Dear Adults (Episode 6, pt 1) High School

Hey y'all

Dear Adults?  Back to a blog near you.  Today’s subject?  High school.  Intro?  Done.

Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.  Some content is exaggerated or hyperbolic for humorous purposes.

To whom it won't concern: high school.  Adults love to talk about high school.  They love to romanticize it, actually, as you can see by the literal hundreds of novels and movies set in high schools so fictional that there aren't teenagers having a stress-related breakdown in the hallways and all those confusing, hormonal teenagers (played by adults in their mid-twenties, of course) are placed in lovely clique boxes so the general audience can understand them better.

I talked last week in my post "Rage Poem" that what I say doesn't make a true difference in the world (it’s not as emo as it sounds).  If not making a difference and being ignored sounds fun to you though, please, step right this way gentlefolk, and let the show begin.  Welcome to high school!

First off, let's talk classes.  You'll probably take six or seven different subjects, but don't worry!  We know that you're growing up and starting to have more independence.  You probably even have an idea of what you want to be when you grow up (a doctor, right?  A lawyer?)  So, if we allow you to chose, you may choose, drum roll please... One class!  The same amount it’s been since middle school.  Have fun choosing from a small list of fine arts classes that are slowly being defunded as time passes.

So what other classes are you going to take?  Well, you're going to take increasingly more difficult and ridiculous math classes.  Don't understand math?  That's alright, this isn't about actually learning information that you'll need when you graduate.  This is about problem solving and "exercising your brain muscles.”  It’s also about crying over 20+ math problems because you don't understand a concept that you're expecting to know by now.  Like I said, it's not about understanding the concept that matters, it's about your ability to crank out the answers in a reasonable amount of time so that you can score well on the SAT.  Did I mention that none of this math applies to real life?

If math isn't for you, that's okay :) you still have to take it.  Of course, you'll also have to take science!  Science makes even less sense than math, because while compounding interest is something you might need to know, about 98% of people will not need to know the different rock types and how photosynthesis works.  And if you forget anything, no problem!  It'll be explained to you again in excruciating detail the next year, because you're a child that can't possibly remember the fact that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the gosh darn cell.

You'll also be subjected to puns like this:

Normally you'd find this funny, but trust me, by this point, you'll be reduced to grades and due dates and your main reaction will be, "Why are we wasting time on this?  I could be working on my x class assignment right now."

History is important too, and you'll get to learn all about it in high school, presumably through a single set of textbooks that ultimately have a bias, as all human communication has.  Don't bring that up in class though: extra information, doing your own research, and going down rabbit holes is bad.

"But Herodotus, the original historian, went down hundreds of rabbit holes and expressed his own opinions as facts and he's considered great," I hear you saying.  Uh, no, Herodotus didn't go down rabbit holes.  He stayed on subject; talking about flying snakes had everything to do with the history of Egypt, duh.  Don’t ask such silly questions!

Now, there's one more major subject I haven't talked about yet.  Personal finance?  Of course not, that's your parent's job.  Proper sex education so that we can teach the next generation about sexuality, gender, and domestic violence in a safe environment where we can control what they learn and make sure it's all true?  Nope, also the parent's job.  And if the parents don't do it, eh, they can learn from the internet.  But don't watch porn, kids (no sarcasm here, please don't,  it's horrible for your brain and soul)

I'm off subject, haha, whoopsidaisy!  No I won't let you out early, don't be silly.  The last subject is English.  Now, I know what some of you are saying - "But I don't get English that well!  Math is more my thing."  We've been over this, you know, you don't remember it from last year?  No?  *disappointed and exasperated sigh* Fine, I guess I can do my job.

You see, teachers are supposed to teach the subject that they're specialized for, which they know and understand the best.  Your job, as the teenager, is to learn all of those subjects, in their completion, at the same time.  Yeah, it's like a full time job - except you should probably get a part time job too, because you'll be going out in the "real" world soon and you'll need money to live, eat, and be respected as a human being.  So it doesn't really matter if you don't understand English - you'll still need to learn it, just like all other subjects :) :)

Of course, not all of you hate English, some of you really liked English in middle school and junior high!  Gee, that's too bad.  Freshmen year we're going to take everything you like about writing and stomp on it until it dies, just like your spirit.  Your essays - no more short stories, those don't matter - will:

-contain no witty commentary, no jokes, no satire

-be formatted exactly the right way (this format will, of course, be abolished the moment you start college.  Remember, we're preparing you for the future here!)

-most likely be exactly the same as everybody else's, because grades matter more than personality when it comes to essays

-contain no "I think this" or "You should think this", because that's not how you persuade a reader to accept your 'opinion'.  People, clearly, are persuaded by "one might say".  Much more compelling writing.

Now, I know that all these subjects can be overwhelming, and maybe they don't even go down the path you want to follow!  Of course, these are the only acceptable routes to go down (please see, extracurricular text "What do you want to be when you grow up?") but unfortunately, we're not finished yet!  We'll continue this class next week.  Be sure to complete all of the homework before next Saturday, even though I haven't finished teaching :) byyye!