So I Disappeared for Awhile... Here's Why - Kathleen

Hi Guys

So most of you have probably noticed that I haven' posted since early February. There's a lot of reasons for this. One of them was that my grandma just passed away. I never thought that would ever happen but when they visited last, I had a feeling that it was going to be the last time I saw her. It was. The other reason is that because I was gone a lot of January I ended up being very behind on school. I had like 5 papers to write and regular school to get caught up on. I'm getting all A's so I guess I do have a little wiggle room, but I need to get A's. The other, biggest reason is because I have stress attacks.

Some of you know about this some of you don't. I guess this is me opening up about something that has been very difficult for me to talk about mainly because I feel like people will just pass it off as me trying to be special or me making a big deal about my life. If you know me, you will know that that isn't how I role. So here goes. I'm going to tell you about my stress.

In the beginning I called it Anxiety because that was the big umbrella that everything else kind of falls under. It would happen every once in a while. I would be scared for no reason. I didn't understand why. I was perfectly safe in my bedroom, but it felt like people were surrounding our house with huge guns or something. I didn't want anybody to leave without me going with them because I felt like I had to protect everyone. This was all in the Spring/Summer of 2016. I started going to a therapist in October of 2016. We went to her for a few appointments, we got to know each other and eventually she told me that she thought I was putting to much pressure on myself. We went home that day and I told Mom that I thought she was wrong. I knew that the next time I went back I was going to have to say something about that to her (my therapist.) I told Mom that I didn't want to go back and I would much rather find someone else. Mom (love you!!) made me go back and she told her what I felt. My therapist came back to me and told me that she thought I was a sensitive person in an insensitive world. I have always known that I cry a lot and I am sensitive, but having someone else tell me made it feel more real.

(BEFORE I SAY THIS NEXT PART, PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT I'M NOT TRYING TO BRAG, OR SOUND SPECIAL, OR MAKE MY LIFE SOUND LIKE IT'S SO HARD)

I went home and took a test to find out what my Myers-Briggs personality type is, and turns out, I'm an INFJ. INFJ's in the first place are very deep, feelers. This is a chart of an INFJ's personality and their mindset.

Some of these are more pronounced, such as taking things personally. I feel very deeply. This is also probably why I have such a great memory, because things make a bigger impact on me.

Now this is harder to explain. I'm going to sound like a total valley-girl "OMG my life is so hard but I can do this really cool thing that nobody else can" *cue eyelash batting and gum smacking* Basically, I can tell what people are feeling. If somebody says they had tons of fun doing something, I know if they did or didn't. If somebody is irritated (even if they are really good at masking it) I know. Sometimes people aren't ready to admit it. And then they get angry.

Anger is something that triggers me a lot. Especially when I'm in a stressful situation. If somebody starts yelling or talking bad about someone, or someone starts being rude to me, I'm going to defend myself and stick up for myself, but I'm also going to start crying. Crying is one of my worst fears. I hate showing people my weakness. I hate showing people who I really am underneath the tough, positive, cheerful Kathleen. I'm really very down-to-earth, and very emotional on a whole other level.

Which is why I'm terrified for this summer.

My mom has been a huge person for me to cry on. It has gotten to the point where I don't like talking to people under certain circumstances. Not just the introverted way. It's gone beyond a fake-it-till-you-make it mentality. Obviously that can't last forever. There is gong to come a day in about two years where I will have to leave my parents and learn how to live by myself. I'm a very independent person but when it comes to emotions, I need someone I know I can trust. To help me get used to this, my therapist has suggested that I go on a few trips without my mom. Well, this summer, I'm going to Steubenville. While people I know will be there, such as Emma and Noelle, my mom won't. I'm terrified. I know that I will be OK, but I need to tell someone about this so I have someone to go to because if I can't let it out on someone, I will hold it in all weekend and have zero fun. Then I will come home and cry. That's the worst feeling in the world. Holding it all in.

So yeah. Now you know most of my secrets. I'm sitting here at my desk in a puddle of tears because I realized that I do have a long way to go in two short years. And here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to narrow down the obligations I feel like I am letting down. International BFF's is one of them. All of the school, PSAT prep, stress and life is too much for me to keep posting on two blogs. I don't want to feel like I'm abandoning blogging, so I'm going to keep it up with Two Dorks with a Blog. I also figured that since Noelle got a couple new bloggers, she had a little wiggle room with letting people go.

I will miss blogging here but I'm going to keep on reading and commenting and loving it! Thank you so much for an awesome 7 months on the blog!

Kathleen

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